I’m not sure if it is hormones or just stress, but I feel like I’m on my way to a breakdown.
I’m having a week where stress is creeping in from all sides and making we want to hide under the covers. And of course in the back of my mind, I’m thinking about this cycle and knowing that if it doesn’t work, we’ll need to prepare for IVF.
Our neighbors recently got a puppy. I love our dog dearly, but he isn’t the best with other dogs, especially the puppy variety. I’ve been dreading the day when they meet on a walk and our dog completely flips out. My worst fears came to light last evening when he finally got his chance to meet the puppy, and he basically tried to attack it. I swear he has a sixth sense for the worst possible times to act like a little monster. Now we need to devise a strategy to avoid them every time we see them on a walk. Awesome.
This morning, a homeless woman outside my office yelled “look me in the eye you goddamn bitch” when I walked by her. Thanks, lady! I know your life is probably horrible, but did you have to do that today? I walked into work and right into a conversation about babies. Of course, someone pulls the “you’re next” card. Really? Am I? I know people have good intentions, but that is a really inappropriate thing to say to a coworker. What if I didn’t want kids? What if I recently had a miscarriage? And of course — reality — what if I’m infertile and trying desperately to have a child? I’d love to be next, but please don’t tell me that you know I am.
There is something about infertility that makes me want to control all other aspects of my life. When other things go wrong, I have a lot of trouble dealing with it. Isn’t infertility enough of a burden to bear? (I realize this sounds ridiculous.) I’m just feeling so small and vulnerable — like silly little problems have the possibility of cracking me. I sound like a person who needs a vacation, and luckily I’ll be doing just that in two weeks. Let’s hope I can avoid a meltdown before then!