On the Verge of a Breakdown

I’m not sure if it is hormones or just stress, but I feel like I’m on my way to a breakdown.

I’m having a week where stress is creeping in from all sides and making we want to hide under the covers. And of course in the back of my mind, I’m thinking about this cycle and knowing that if it doesn’t work, we’ll need to prepare for IVF.

Our neighbors recently got a puppy. I love our dog dearly, but he isn’t the best with other dogs, especially the puppy variety. I’ve been dreading the day when they meet on a walk and our dog completely flips out. My worst fears came to light last evening when he finally got his chance to meet the puppy, and he basically tried to attack it. I swear he has a sixth sense for the worst possible times to act like a little monster. Now we need to devise a strategy to avoid them every time we see them on a walk. Awesome.

This morning, a homeless woman outside my office yelled “look me in the eye you goddamn bitch” when I walked by her. Thanks, lady! I know your life is probably horrible, but did you have to do that today? I walked into work and right into a conversation about babies. Of course, someone pulls the “you’re next” card. Really? Am I? I know people have good intentions, but that is a really inappropriate thing to say to a coworker. What if I didn’t want kids? What if I recently had a miscarriage? And of course — reality — what if I’m infertile and trying desperately to have a child? I’d love to be next, but please don’t tell me that you know I am.

There is something about infertility that makes me want to control all other aspects of my life. When other things go wrong, I have a lot of trouble dealing with it. Isn’t infertility enough of a burden to bear? (I realize this sounds ridiculous.) I’m just feeling so small and vulnerable — like silly little problems have the possibility of cracking me. I sound like a person who needs a vacation, and luckily I’ll be doing just that in two weeks. Let’s hope I can avoid a meltdown before then!

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14 thoughts on “On the Verge of a Breakdown

  1. I’m sorry for your morning, it sounds awful. I know the exact conversation you’re talking about with your coworkers. People (especially office ladies) seem to LOVE saying that shit, and it drives me bananas too. 2 people from my work had babies yesterday, and they had pictures up front of them and MADE me gawk at the pics…..then the same sentiments were said to me. Just makes you feel like shit. I just want to scream at them! I hope you feel better soon girly!

  2. I’m glad you have a vacation planned in a couple of weeks. I’m sorry things have been so stressful recently! Be kind to yourself! ❤

  3. It sounds like you just had a terrible day – on top of the stress and worry of infertility. I hope this cycle was successful for you, but I do know how stressful dealing with the uncertainty of what you will do next and the fear of more invasive treatments can do to a woman. One thing I know is that this path of infertility is an emotional roller coaster. I hope the sun shines for you today and you find some hope – don’t let it go.

  4. Dear MK, I’ve just found your blog and really related to what you were saying. I’ve been there and understand what you are going through. I’ve also lost count of the times I’ve had a little meltdown in the bathroom at work, or the car (it’s always the car somehow, I think I’m progressively getting worse with the road and time stresses). Hang in there and sending strong thoughts your way.

    Weylin
    http://www.wishingawayinfertility.blogspot.com

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