To the Lonely Mamas

I saw this blog post shared on Facebook a while back and really enjoyed reading it: Are You Lonely, Mama? It is very easy when you’re infertile to envision this secret, exclusive club that all new moms belong to where they all instantly make friends with each other and spend their days watching their adorable babies grow up. It never really occurred to me that it could be lonely at times. Hard, yes. But lonely, no. I’ve had way too much time to build up parenting in my mind and I’ve really put it on a pedestal. So thank you to the author for bravely sharing that it isn’t always bliss.

But I would urge you to try to see things from my point of view, lonely mamas. When I scroll through Facebook, all I see are babies and happy parents. I see my friends with new lives and priorities, leaving me behind. Every morning, I walk past the middle bedroom in our house — a tiny little room between our bedroom and the guest bedroom. When we moved in two years ago, we started calling it the nursery. I decorated it in my mind. I pictured bringing our sweet baby home to this safe place. Now we call it the spare bedroom and we keep door closed because those thoughts and plans are too painful. Friends have stopped asking when we’re going to have kids. Some friends have stopped reaching out at all.

After more than two years of trying to get pregnant, my husband and I are in infertility limbo. I never imagined we’d be here. The mental and physical toll has been completely exhausting. We’re heartbroken, but we’re surviving. I’m lonely, too — for something I’ve never had.  As we head into our first IVF cycle, I hope that someday we look back on this as a season that made us stronger and prepared us to be amazing parents. Like the author, I’m trying not to let this loneliness steal this season from me.

It is very easy from my perspective to feel frustration, jealously, and even anger toward new mamas. I have friends who dealt with infertility before we started trying to have a baby, and I remember thinking they were insane. Every Facebook birth announcement or happy family out to dinner made them rage. But now I know. Infertility is a dark place, and you can only understand once you’re living there. I try to keep those feelings at bay, but I would be lying if I said they never consume me.

So I say to you lonely mamas — I get it. Being a mom is the hardest job. It can be isolating. At times, you miss your old life. Continue to share your feelings about motherhood — the loneliness and the joy. But I hope at the end of the day, you find comfort knowing that you’ve been given the best gift in the world. And you’re so very blessed to be given the opportunity to be a mama.

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9 thoughts on “To the Lonely Mamas

  1. I saw that same article and I completely agree with you. Infertility is a dark and lonely place especially when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. We are going on 9 years this September and have finally decided to adopt. Good Luck to you and your hubby.

    • Thanks for reading, Denise. I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with infertility for so long. Wishing you lots of peace and happiness as you embark on adoption!

  2. Thank you so much for linking back to me, MK. And thank you for this sweet and thoughtful response. I’ve had so many infertile mamas tear me apart for my blog post and it’s so refreshing to read your words. I too struggled with infertility for several years and was told by multiple doctors that I’d never have kids. Thankfully (and miraculously), our infertility journey was short in comparison to others and I’m so, SO, thankful for my little boys. When I was struggling to conceive I would get so infuriated when I saw my newsfeed cluttered up with women complaining about being a mom. It made me sick. I deleted my facebook for almost a year because of it. And now that I’m on the other side, I totally get it and I try to be sensitive to those that are still walking that road. But you’re right in that we need to continue to talk about our struggles and loneliness, regardless of the circumstances that cause it. I hope your journey ends with a squishy little one in your arms and that one day you can experience the frustratingly beautiful loneliness that motherhood brings. So much love to you!

    • Thanks for your sweet words, Kristen! I really did enjoy your post and it helped me to see past what I’m going through. Knowing that so many women like you have made it out of infertility and are blessed with sweet babies gives me lots of hope. Keep up the fabulous writing! xoxo

  3. I agree . . . I’m so caught up in our struggle with infertility right now that I haven’t really thought about how new moms struggle at all because I want to be in their shoes. I think this modern world is a very isolating place. We’re all connected . . . but are we really connected at all? I think that infertility is just one more problem that we stack on top of all of the other personal problems that we have in our life. If we don’t cultivate our friendships and our family connections we will isolate ourselves whether we have babies or no babies. The key is having a few solid friends and relationships. I wish you all the best as you move into IVF. Your day is coming. Stay strong.

  4. Such a great post. Thanks for helping me see the other side. It’s easy to get caught up in what I am personally going through to stop and think about the struggles of others who’s position I wish I was in. Think of you as you enter into an IVF cycle.

    • Thank you! It is very nice to hear that others can relate. Sometimes I feel like a horrible person who can’t see past my own sadness. Thinking of you, too!

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