The Countdown Is On

I can’t believe it is May! Time is flying and we’ve been busy the past few months with getting our new home settled and lots of visits from family. Preparing for this FET cycle feels very different than last time around with our IVF. We had tried for so long and were so very desperate for it to work. It felt like time was moving so slow and we would never get to the other side. This time around, life feels much fuller. I know we want to grow our family, but I don’t feel the same desperate ache and the fear of failure isn’t quite as strong.

Some days it even feels like time is moving too quickly. I wonder if we’re ready for the big change that another baby would bring. Before you have a child, no matter what people tell you, you cannot fathom the changes it brings to your life. I would be lying if I said I didn’t worry about how hard it will be, especially in the beginning. The lack of sleep and caring for a newborn and toddler.

Big bigger than the temporary changes of missed sleep and hectic days, the second time around you know exactly how precious your children are because you know them. The pain of a failed attempt to give my daughter a sibling would be magnified because I know her and how truly marvelous and wonderful she is. I have four embryos, created just like her, waiting for a chance. Essentially, I’ll know what I’m missing. The heartbreak will be tangible.

As we prepare for this transfer and the days fly by, I wonder if we’re prepared to face heartbreak again if things don’t work out. Before, I wanted to fast forward my life to get to the good part, but now I find myself wanting to hit pause. Sometimes I feel so lucky to be where I am that I worry I’m asking for too much. In clear moments, I can understand that is a byproduct of infertility. It makes you feel unworthy. It beats you down.

On a much more clinical note, my birth control that I’m taking in preparation for the transfer is giving me all the feels. All the tears. And all the cramps. And all the spotting. And some insomnia as the cherry on top. Hello infertility treatment side effects, can’t say I’ve missed you! A few more days and then the real fun starts with the big fat needles.

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